It's been two months since my dad died and I still can't fully believe that he's not here anymore. Just last Friday, I almost pulled out my phone to give him a ring. I always imagined him passing when I was older and married with children who would remember him. It's very difficult to think about my future without him in it. It's like I don't want anything new to happen to me because he won't be here to experience it with me.
I've experienced losing both of my parents in two very different ways. My mom passed suddenly and I didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye so I was dealing with that after the fact. But I had my dad there to help me through it and to cry to, yell at, and talk with about memories of her.
I was able to spend my dad's final days with him and even though he couldn't communicate, I feel like I was able to tell him how much he meant to me. My last words to him while he was still able to communicate were "I love you" and I am so thankful I got that chance. It's pretty much all I think about.
I'm having a really hard time lately; I feel like I want to, and sometimes actually do, burst in to tears at a moment's notice. I always felt like his number one priority; like I could ask him to help me with anything and he would just do it without even batting an eye lash. Even though I have amazing friends and family, it's just not the same. I miss feeling like someone's priority.
Sometimes I feel like it's really unfair that he left me so soon. That both my parents are gone and I'm only 27. And that makes me feel guilty because I know how lucky I am to have had such wonderful parents, especially my dad, because some people don't even get that gift. But I wasn't ready for him to leave me. I just keep reminding myself that he wasn't healthy, he didn't feel good, and that's not fair to him. I'm glad he and my mom are back together in Heaven because he really was never the same after she died. But it still sucks for me.
The main reason I got the urge to write this post is because I got a whiff of leather and remembered my dad always smelled like sun-tan lotion and leather. It sounds like an odd combination but it really fit him.
"Say no to sex, drugs, and rock and roll." -Dan Dupler 11.14.46-10.3.12
