The holidays

I absolutely love the holidays. I look forward to spending time with my family and simply being around so many people that I love and who love me. It's funny because the holidays used to be the worst time of year for me. I don't want to speak on the behalf of my brother and dad but I personally used to dread Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks. Now it's the absolute best time for me. I feel like I'm finally "in" on the reason why everyone likes the holidays so much.

The holidays kind of sucked when I was growing up. My mom always had good intentions on making Thanksgiving and Christmas nice for us, and I do have some really good memories of us all together opening presents Christmas morning (I would always be the first one up and have to wake up Jamie so I could open my presents.) She just put way too much pressure on herself to have the perfect Thanksgiving or the perfect Christmas that she would totally shut down. I didn't realize until very recently just how low of self esteem she had, on top of the fact that she was probably the most nervous person I've ever met. I've mentioned this before but I have some of those nervous, perfectionist traits that I continue to work on daily. My mom also talked down about herself which I will catch myself doing, especially when it comes to relationships, because it's what I grew up hearing: women talking badly about themselves. She wanted so much for us to have enjoyable holidays but she just couldn't figure out how to do it.

At the risk of sounding cheesy, my holidays now are full of love, laughter and happy people. I'm just so thankful my dad's around to enjoy it with us and that Tiffany and her boys are a part of our family. Tiff's the woman my mom was trying so hard to be. She makes everyone feel comfortable, relaxed and happy. She loves her kids with everything she has and they love her in return. My brother loves and respects her and they have a great relationship that I hope to have some day. Granted, it ain't perfect, but that's what makes it real. She's been able to make us feel like a functioning family unit and she's the reason I look forward to the season.

I try to keep this blog light and fun for the most part but I wanted to share what the holidays really mean to me because my mom passed away 4 years ago today. We were planning her funeral 4 years ago today. It feels like such a long time ago because so many things have changed in all of our lives since then but it really hasn't been that long. My heart breaks every time I think of her. Sometimes I get angry she left us and is missing out on such great memories. Our family is not complete without her. However, I realize she's at peace now and that's all I ever wanted for her.

I know I've written about my mom before, on her birthday, and I sincerely don't mean to be a Debbie Downer. In fact, I hope to be just the opposite and express how thankful I am for the people in my life. Losing my mom is a huge part of who I am today and I'm just trying to stay true to myself. This blog was started as a way for me to really say what I'm thinking without having to actually say it aloud. I truly appreciate everyone who reads this and I will continue to be as honest as possible.

Happy holidays to you; I am thankful for each one of you and I hope you all are able to spend the next week or so with great people.